From sea to shining sea, Americans of all ages can hear the whining and moaning from political experts saying the Republican Party is dying.
Sometimes, if you stand perfectly still and listen quietly, you can pick up the sounds of Rush Limbaugh denying it in your dental fillings. In the dying light of day when the wind is soft as a kitten's whisker, distantly, you might hear former Vice President Dick Cheney condemning the CIA for not declassifying his proof that waterboarding works.
If you can't hear it in your fillings or in the gentle breeze, just watch Fox News.
Some conservative diehards will argue that the GOP has never been stronger while clutching Ronald Reagan's name like the security blanket it has become. However, there is more than a little truth to the moans and whines of the experts.
Currently, the Democratic Party enjoy a vast numerical superiority in Congress, in many state legislatures and even among governors. Fifty-four percent of voters last November identified themselves as Democrats. Two out of every five ex-Presidents is a Democrat, and every incumbent President is one, too. By any measure, that is a lot of Democrats.
As the conservative wailing and gnashing of teeth continues, and as Democrat slip-ups mount, us regular folks can sit back and wait for the inevitable rise of a third party.
For too long, America has ping-ponged back and forth between two political polar opposites. A country as great as ours deserves better. We had Coke and Pepsi, until Dr Pepper came along. We had Sprite and 7Up, until Bubble Up and Squirt came along. America loves choice, and having a third party is just what the Dr Pepper ordered.
Given the difficult economic times in which we live, starting a brand-new political party is foolish. Starting something fresh has too many start-up costs, such as coming up with a logo, picking a political animal, developing a slogan and so on. We would be far wiser to simply dust off a political party that already exists or, at the very least, has had its candidates get elected. This eliminates the Libertarians and the New Alliance Party.
Some of you may think the Green Party is the right choice, but I disagree. The Green Party is still too closely affiliated with hippies, Al Gore and the Incredible Hulk. We need something a little more close to the middle – something a little more moderate.
We need the Whig Party.
Few remember the Whigs, but they never really went away. Whigs are willing to admit it has been a while since their party enjoyed the big time. The last time a Whig led the nation, it was 1853, and his name was Millard Fillmore.
The Whigs were the coolest party around during the mid-19th century, fielding numerous candidates for every office conceivable and electing numerous Whig presidents. A young Abe Lincoln was once a Whig party leader in Illinois before breaking off and joining an elephant-based political party.
The world has changed since the golden days of the Fillmore Administration, but not the Whigs. They still believe in the same things you believe in – more of the things you like and less of the things you hate. No other party will give you such brutal honesty. Only the Whigs.
Their political party slogan, "Bewhigged, or Begone!" is still catchy, though their choice of political animal – the earwig – is less than great. We may consider some other options. Perhaps the bald eagle, which wouldn't be bald if it would wear a Whig, or maybe Donald Trump. If ever there was a poster boy for Whigs, it is The Donald.
In any case, my money is on the Whigs. When Americans are either disappointed in their leadership or are tired of all the business-as-usual finger-pointing in Washington, it's high time for a return to Whiggery.
According to modernwhig.org, there currently are 16 active chapters of "modern" Whigs in the U.S., though none has yet emerged in Arizona. This is no surprise. Arizona wind and Whigs are not a happy combination. Look out, you Washington insiders – the Whigs will rise again, and then there will be Hell toupee!
Doug Hecox is a comedian and author. His written works have appeared in Reader's Digest, the Washington Post and in newspapers throughout the West. Visit him online at www.dougfun.com.
